I'll be honest, I was grateful to see 2012 come to a close. What a crazy year it was for me. I was given my dream, my gorgeous mare. Spent months rehabbing her back into a healthy, fit, show horse. Moved to a barn that will help us achieve our very lofty goals and FINALLY started dressage training. I have everything a girl could possibly want.
Except that last year, my years of aches and pains, constant icing of joints, downing advil, and making excuses for why I couldn't do something, was diagnosed. I now know that I live with Psoriatic Arthritis. It first attacked my lower spine, then my ankles, then hands, then fingers. No wonder sitting the trot and trying to get a horse that's heavy in the bridle off of my hand was so much more difficult that it should have been!
Tightening the girth, buckling the bridle, even picking hooves was and is a struggle. Holding just a single set of reins, not to mention two sets is a challenge. Once I can close my fingers down around them, I have the strength to hold them, but opening them back up, even to just shorten them takes an incredible amount of concentration. Reminding myself to relax my lower back sometimes just doesn't work. On bad days, the muscles just don't release, at all. Those are the days that I am most embarrassed of my disease. You can hide the fact that your hands hurt by pushing through it, sucking it up and concentrating and making jokes about it while tacking up . You can't hide a locked spine when you ride. You just look like the mess you already feel like inside.
All of this carries over to daily life activities. Washing my hair, brushing my teeth, putting on makeup, opening bottles, putting gas in my car, grating cheese, even typing on my keyboard. All normal activities I took for granted only 5 years ago.
I won't even go into the crazy side effects of the drugs I must take...but some days it seems the pharmaceutical companies have a sick sense of humor. Nausea helps create some pretty silly 20 metre circles!
So, for 2013 I have decided to stop hiding my disease. I will let my friends, family and yes, even my trainer, know that I am hurting and some days need some extra help. I'll enter the ring with my head held high, and will do my best to halt and salute at X, even if it takes me a few more seconds than it should to lift my head back up and readdress my reins. I have decided that from now on, this disease is just a half halt. It's my little reminder throughout the day to slow down, make a slight transition, and listen to what my body is telling me. With a little help, I can still reach my goals.
